Monday, July 29, 2013
goodbye why? and goodbye why me?
I know many of my posts or conversations might seem very silly and irrational. But, you are witnessing real life grief and I know it can seem very irrational at times. It is okay. This is real life. I am being transparent.
To be honest. The days continue to be agonizing. tears run down my face many times a day. like right now. the emotions are so strong and present that many times I cannot even hold it in. I feel like it has gotten worse to the point that I can't even be in a church service or around certain people during this intense grief. The pain is so deep and so raw that I uncontrollably start crying. I never know when it will hit. and to spare it from people I just leave to do it alone. For instance. Yesterday I was only able to be in the church service for a short time before I just couldn't take it. I had to leave and go for a walk down a nearby very out in the middle of nowhere country road and sob at every step I took. Crying out to God. I still believe, but I am sorry I cannot attend church right now. I honestly think since my procedure on April 18th I don't know if I have sat through an entire service yet. Most days I can't even walk into the sanctuary. It is very hard to explain. I love my God, but right now I have to be in His presence alone. I am wrestling with so many things and it is a very emotional time and I can't sob in the middle of every church service. It is also becoming very hard to be around people who can see right, which is literally everyone I know. People that have everything going right in there life and life is good. It is too hard right now to be in the presence of those people. If I do... when they ask how I am doing I usually start sobbing. I am tired of being so vulnerable to everyone. Sometimes I am okay, but I never know when i will lose all emotional ability to keep it together.
The other thing that is so hard, is that I know that I am literally one of the only people in the world that has experienced visual disturbances like mine. I looked online for a support group of people who have had negative visual complications from corrective eye surgery. As I read all these people complaining about glares and halos, and goshting and how there life was ruined and had to quit jobs etc. I sobbed. because I have all of that, plus my worse symptoms none of them had. The flashing, and flashy double image that is being shot out of my second pupil from my damaged iris. I have 3 flashy double images from my right eye. I realize that what I have is so bad and so rare. A support group makes me feel even worse because they only have half of what I do and it has wrecked there life. No wonder my life is in shambles. it confirms how bad and alone I am in this. No one can relate to me.
okay, now that is out. The reason I am writing. Since the days this happened I have sobbed to God asking WHY? and WHY ME??? over and over! I do not feel strong enough to handle such a tragedy. It seems so unfair. Not just to me, but my poor kids and family too.
I listened to a sermon last night on Job and suffering. I came to some realizations. Even though I so desperately wish I could understand I don't need to know why. There is a good chance that during my life here on earth that I will never get the answer. God is so powerful and the reason I may never know is because I could not even begin to comprehend his explanation. Job never knew why he was enduring terrible trials . But, look at the millions of people he has impacted with his story. yes, if God would have told him that during it would have been nice I am sure, but then the story would not have played out like it should have. He couldn't have fully trusted if God gave him the reasons to trust him.
Here is what I do know that I have to cling to! God hates bad things from happening. It was not supposed to be this way. Satan is what caused bad and evil. God allows satan to put forth his wrath, but because God is the one ultimately in control he will win by not allowing satan victory over the evil sent our way. Just like in Job he will allow satan choices and tell him which evil can be used against people. Only the things that God can turn to good and ultimate victory over satan. God is love and is all powerful and even through evil he wants what is best for me and my family. I must embrace this suffering instead of asking why. I have to trust in his goodness and love for me. I can go watch the sunset and the wonderful creation and know within a few seconds that I cannot comprehend God and his details to life. I cannot understand or grasp his power and plan. I just have to trust. trust, trust, trust.
I have decided that the only way I can survive right now is to read about suffering, grief, and listen to sermons.
Here is the bad part. I understand all of this. I grasp it. BUT, the second I walk away and start living life and taking care of my kids the burden and suffering are still so hard. Even though I know this it doesn't excuse the fact that I can't teach, raise, and be with my kids like a normal person. I still can't function normally. I still have to live every second suffering and let's be honest. It is miserable and seems so unfair. I unfortunelty can't have a sermon about rising above during each moment to get through. At least not right now. I am still very frustrated that life can't be "normal" like it used to be. and the fact that it may never be. If I live to 60-80. that is a lot of seconds, minutues, days, weeks, and years of never getting a break from suffering.
But, I will cling to trusting God and that he knows what he is doing and he will spin this disaster to somehow be best for us all.
I will save it for another day soon. But, I have come up with a list of specific prayers that I am praying for this surgery. Friends, this nightmare is real. But, i do have hope and a chance for a miracle to take place through these upcoming surgeries. Iris repair is one of the hardest and most difficult eye surgery's. Lots of risks and complications are very real. I have been through the wringer. I am praying like never before as my quality of life depends on it right now. That God will please have mercy on me and put a hedge of protection from harm and guide the dr. to restore my right eye now (and later my left). There is room for a miracle and even though for many days I have doubted it to be possible. All things are possible with God. I will cling to this truth. I beg and plead for God to show me his healing power. That through all this pain and suffering I have endured in the last year. That a piece will be taken away through this healing. I pray for a break and a light in this darkness. For him to show me that through such a tragedy that only through him can he restore this and we will give him all the glory.
As I cry out to him most of all right now, I know that things are bad, but through upcoming surgeries it could be worse if complications arise. I have wrestled with the peace and confidence from God to precede on August 8th. I have cried out to him that if he is not going to protect and bring about some relief from symptoms safely that I don't want to do it. maybe I would be better off to leave things alone. I sent Todd out to pray for a few hours this past weekend and he came back feeling like we are heading in the right direction. I just feel like if God leads us this way that I want to have complete faith in his hand fully bathed in this situation. With tears streaming down my face I plead and beg of him that the reason I ask for this assurance is because I can't bear to pile on more right now. I need a break and not more. So, as of now please pray for the correct guidance. If God is not going to use these surgeries to be succesful please don't take me down another dark path. That he would give us obvious signs to not do this.
Friday, July 19, 2013
We survived! ....almost...
Todd has been gone since last Friday afternoon taking Doctorate classes up at IWU. We had planned to spend the week in Indy so I would have help. Those plans fell through so the kids and I have been alone all week. It came as a shock on the Saturday that we wouldn't have help which I had planned on. I was also dealing with intense grief during this time and was hardly coping. I couldn't believe I was put in this position. I had no idea how I would survive with no help while also experiencing tremendous pain.
6.5 days in and I just want to say that it has been an unexpected blessing. Who would have thought? I was terrified even on days I was feeling good over the last 6 years when I knew Todd was going to be gone for 1 day. ;) We have been traveling out of town every week since the first of June for various things and it has been a nice relaxing week to finally be home and not leaving again. I have had precious time alone with my kids. it has been quiet after the kids go to bed. Every evening I have gone out to our bridge and field and walked while watching the sunset and talking and listening to God. I love our backyard and field. It has been such a blessing during these 3 months. I plan to go out every evening. It is at these moments that I can look out at the beauty and forget this nightmare I am living and cry out to God. Thank him for my life and the path he has laid before me. I have a new relationship with my savior. I am broken and helpless. I have no strength on my own. I am in constant reliance of God for every second. I fall to my knees many times a day because He is my only strength. When you have lost all outside earthly help you cling to the heavenly father in a way like never before. I feel blessed to be able to have come to a place where I have complete dependence to him. I have never been at a place to so desperately need him before. It is pretty great when I think about out. Thank you Lord for stretching me and never leaving me this week.
Todd is coming home late tomorrow and we are all so excited for him to come home. I think when you are away from loved ones I think your love for them grows stronger. I know he missed us terribly and is so anxious to pull in our driveway. Todd wanted to come home when he found out I was going to be alone all week with the kids. I told him to stay because I wanted him to follow his dreams and if he quit it would haunt him the rest of his life. I am so glad he listened and stayed. I know he is ultimately furthering his career because he loves us and wants to support us. I am grateful for his hard work and never complaining for all he does for us. At one point I told him I didn't want to talk to him because I didn't want him to have to hear me cry and worry for us. I wanted him to focus on his school.. He told me it was not a burden because he is me! What a beautiful picture of marriage. I am truly blessed. He even told me if I do go blind from my next surgeries that he will stay with me forever and he will enjoy being fat and not shaving. :)
1 more day and we will have survived! I am so thankful that yesterday evening for the first time after all week the severe pain that it lifted so I could function better. So, the kids and I have been cleaning like crazy today and a dear friend and her boys are coming to mow the grass for us tomorrow. My goal is for Todd to come home to a clean house and freshly mowed yard so we can just enjoy relaxing and being a family this weekend. On Monday he starts in full swing with getting ready for school and hiring an assistant principal and then school starts in 2.5 weeks!
I pray that I have a compassionate and servant heart for those going through suffering and trials. That I will jump to help others in need without even asking what they need, but to know the needs and meet them. I have been able to be on the receiving end of some pretty awesome and giving people and it is truly the hands and feet of Christ blessing me. There have been times I didn't know how I could go on and someone reaches out and blesses me. A sweet gift being showered down from my heavenly father. Whenever the spirit leads to help someone in need I am going to follow because I know how much it can bless someone's life. Lord use me and show me even in my own suffering those I can serve and be your hands and feet.
I do not know how this situation will end, but I know God is able. I pray with my whole being that God will heal and use this situation to bless others and that I am changed and molded into his image!
6.5 days in and I just want to say that it has been an unexpected blessing. Who would have thought? I was terrified even on days I was feeling good over the last 6 years when I knew Todd was going to be gone for 1 day. ;) We have been traveling out of town every week since the first of June for various things and it has been a nice relaxing week to finally be home and not leaving again. I have had precious time alone with my kids. it has been quiet after the kids go to bed. Every evening I have gone out to our bridge and field and walked while watching the sunset and talking and listening to God. I love our backyard and field. It has been such a blessing during these 3 months. I plan to go out every evening. It is at these moments that I can look out at the beauty and forget this nightmare I am living and cry out to God. Thank him for my life and the path he has laid before me. I have a new relationship with my savior. I am broken and helpless. I have no strength on my own. I am in constant reliance of God for every second. I fall to my knees many times a day because He is my only strength. When you have lost all outside earthly help you cling to the heavenly father in a way like never before. I feel blessed to be able to have come to a place where I have complete dependence to him. I have never been at a place to so desperately need him before. It is pretty great when I think about out. Thank you Lord for stretching me and never leaving me this week.
Todd is coming home late tomorrow and we are all so excited for him to come home. I think when you are away from loved ones I think your love for them grows stronger. I know he missed us terribly and is so anxious to pull in our driveway. Todd wanted to come home when he found out I was going to be alone all week with the kids. I told him to stay because I wanted him to follow his dreams and if he quit it would haunt him the rest of his life. I am so glad he listened and stayed. I know he is ultimately furthering his career because he loves us and wants to support us. I am grateful for his hard work and never complaining for all he does for us. At one point I told him I didn't want to talk to him because I didn't want him to have to hear me cry and worry for us. I wanted him to focus on his school.. He told me it was not a burden because he is me! What a beautiful picture of marriage. I am truly blessed. He even told me if I do go blind from my next surgeries that he will stay with me forever and he will enjoy being fat and not shaving. :)
1 more day and we will have survived! I am so thankful that yesterday evening for the first time after all week the severe pain that it lifted so I could function better. So, the kids and I have been cleaning like crazy today and a dear friend and her boys are coming to mow the grass for us tomorrow. My goal is for Todd to come home to a clean house and freshly mowed yard so we can just enjoy relaxing and being a family this weekend. On Monday he starts in full swing with getting ready for school and hiring an assistant principal and then school starts in 2.5 weeks!
I pray that I have a compassionate and servant heart for those going through suffering and trials. That I will jump to help others in need without even asking what they need, but to know the needs and meet them. I have been able to be on the receiving end of some pretty awesome and giving people and it is truly the hands and feet of Christ blessing me. There have been times I didn't know how I could go on and someone reaches out and blesses me. A sweet gift being showered down from my heavenly father. Whenever the spirit leads to help someone in need I am going to follow because I know how much it can bless someone's life. Lord use me and show me even in my own suffering those I can serve and be your hands and feet.
I do not know how this situation will end, but I know God is able. I pray with my whole being that God will heal and use this situation to bless others and that I am changed and molded into his image!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Turning things off
I wanted to write a quick update. I am feeling strongly called to disable facebook and most internet connections. I am also feeling called to have my phone turned off the majority of the day. I will also not be turning on the tv. This has been laid on my heart many times before, but now more then ever.
I hardly have the strength to survive and when I get into my worst times I retreat to the internet and fb to avoid life. I know that instead my kids need me, I need to spend time with my God. I haven't had the strength to do school with the kids, but yet I can read on the internet etc. It is so hard on my eyes to read and function on the computer and I need to save the little reading I do have to teach my children and read to them.
Please pray that through this time I will grow stronger to my Lord and hear his presence that I feel so strongly has left. May in the quiet I hear the holy spirit speak to me to get me through each hour and day. May I now be fully His without my biggest distractions from him right now. May I now run into his arms and hide in HIS presence.
If you can't reach me, just now that I am not avoiding you. This is just a phase in my healing that needs to take place. I need to listen to the holy spirit and follow his leading right now because it is all I have. I cannot do this on my own and feel so alone anymore. I need His help. I need to somehow find him again and even if I am called to a life of suffering that I can still live it to the fullest and serve him. I cannot do that on my own strength.
Blessings and this will continue to be a place where I update and share what the Lord is and will do to such a broken life. May God heal this broken heart and even in my suffering may I praise His name!
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my savior, my God will hear me." Micah 7:7
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. " Psalm 57:1
I hardly have the strength to survive and when I get into my worst times I retreat to the internet and fb to avoid life. I know that instead my kids need me, I need to spend time with my God. I haven't had the strength to do school with the kids, but yet I can read on the internet etc. It is so hard on my eyes to read and function on the computer and I need to save the little reading I do have to teach my children and read to them.
Please pray that through this time I will grow stronger to my Lord and hear his presence that I feel so strongly has left. May in the quiet I hear the holy spirit speak to me to get me through each hour and day. May I now be fully His without my biggest distractions from him right now. May I now run into his arms and hide in HIS presence.
If you can't reach me, just now that I am not avoiding you. This is just a phase in my healing that needs to take place. I need to listen to the holy spirit and follow his leading right now because it is all I have. I cannot do this on my own and feel so alone anymore. I need His help. I need to somehow find him again and even if I am called to a life of suffering that I can still live it to the fullest and serve him. I cannot do that on my own strength.
Blessings and this will continue to be a place where I update and share what the Lord is and will do to such a broken life. May God heal this broken heart and even in my suffering may I praise His name!
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my savior, my God will hear me." Micah 7:7
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. " Psalm 57:1
Friday, July 12, 2013
Turning a page...
I haven't written in a while and wanted to take the time to post a few things. As most of you know it has been a rough almost 3 months. I have struggled emotionally dealing with "this tragedy" in my life. I have felt like my life is crashing down, turned upside down and the burden of this tragedy is too hard to carry. The helplessness, hoplessness, and abandonment seems too great and impossible to pick up the pieces accept the new reality and move on. I have no idea if anyone reading this has experienced a tragedy and up until this point I had no idea the pain of a tragedy. Of course I had rough times and annoyances in life. But, not a tragedy. Having my vision destroyed to a point of not being able to function normally and completely disrupt my life has been a tragedy. Also, upcoming surgery's that could go good or bad are hard to go through. My situation may get better, but most likely unless God performs a miracle will I ever come close to "normal" vision again. By writing this I am not asking for everyone to have pity on me and to make you feel sorry for me. I am just sharing my heart.
Today is our 10 year anniversary and it is a hard day. I look back at how happy I was....how "perfect" life was then. I so wish I could turn back time to experience that day and that joy and start over and erase this situation. Will I ever be able to be happy again? Normally on an anniversary I can look back and think how wonderful the last 9 years.... now my life is forever changed and it is hard. I had my procedure on april 18th. July 18th when I hit the 3 months mark will be a hard day. It is so weird. Instead of grieving the loss of a person... I am going through grief in losing my vision and the life I had that has been stripped away. I know what it was like to see "normal" and I just so desperately want to see and be normal again.
Lord, please.... I beg of you....if I could even just touch a piece of your garment my eyes could be healed..... Lord, if one of my children was going through the pain and suffering that I am going through and I could help them I would... please lord, help your child.
I cling to the hope that when April 18, 2014 arrives I will be in a much better place!!!
A few weeks ago I picked up a book in the clearance bin at the local christian bookstore. It was called "Where is God?" a personal story of finding God in grief and suffering. Today as I laid in bed and cried in complete desperation and helplessness like I have literally everyday since my vision was destroyed I have had a hard time grasping what to do. Until this procedure I have never cried the tears of complete grief and devastation. It is such a surreal feeling. Many times I feel as though I am dying am not even able to breath through the tears, pain, and suffering. It is not a cry that I would wish upon anyone. I cannot wait until the day I don't have to experience this. I hope it is sometime in this life on this earth and I don't have to wait until I am 80 or 90 when I die.
Where is God? How am I to get through this? How can I move on? How can I take care of my kids? How can I get up out of bed and face each day? How can I do the little tasks each day with this debilitating pain and visual disturbances that I can't ever get a break from? I am only 30....am i really going to have to live the rest of my life disabled? This is so darn horrible!!!!! Why Me??? Why do my kids and my husband have to go down this road with me? They don't deserve this either? In my deep grief today in losing all hope and where to turn I grabbed my bible, this book, and a devotional and went outside to read. Mind you with pain extremely bad as a constant reminder and having a hard time with my eyes focusing to be able to read.
I wanted to share some quotes from what I read. I am not a good writer as anyone here would know. ;) But, this author...John Feinberg wrote exactly how I am feeling and it was good to know I am not alone in my thoughts and grief. maybe it can help someone else... or for those who have not experienced a tragedy to understand on a deeper level to help those going through tragedy and immense grief. His words flowed how I have been feeling....and it is therapeutic to share if nothing else.
-"THose dealing with personal affliction may find that their suffering disrupts their relation to God. They may find it hard to serve or even worship God. They may even be tempted to stop believing in God altogether. The personal experience of evil precipitates a crisis in faith in the believers life."
" I remember thinking that this threat of doom would hang over me and my family every day for the rest of our lives. There was no morally acceptable way to escape this situation. There was only one person who could do anything about this and it appeared at that time that God wasn't going to help. Beyond this, it seemed that he had led us into this situation rather than keeping us from it. As I reflected on the hopelessness of our situation I realized how dismal life can seem. Beyond the homelessness I felt helpless to do anything."
"Along with those feelings comes a sense of abandonment. At such times one feels that there is no answer and no help. Yes, there are friends and family, but what can they do? They aren't miracle workers. They have their own families to care for and their own problems to be concerned with. And with this abandoment people tend to stay away. For example they may be afraid that they will say the wrong thing or make matters worse. However remaining at a distance only confirms the worst fear of the people suffering. There is already the feeling of abandonment, the afflicted feels as though he or she has been given an enormous burden to bear for the rest of his or her life and there will be no help. When family and friends keep their distance, they communicate that this apparently is true. The deeper the fear is not just that one feels abandoned by family and friends, but that God is no longer there. It doesn't matter how much you have sensed God's presence before, at times like this he seems absent. And when you know that God is the only one who can do anything about the problem , it is especially painful to see his departure.
"These emotions are also accompanied by anger. The anger may not be particularly rational, but it is nontheless real. I was angry that this was happening to us. I never expected exemption just because I am a christian, but I never thought something like this would happen. In one fell stroke, we learned that my whole family was under a dark cloud of doom. That kind of catastrophe wasn't suppose to happen. I was angry.
"I remember thinking repeatedly at the time that none of this made sense. God is the supremely raional being and yet it seemed that he was actualizing a contradiction in my life, The contradiction seemed to contradict the Lord's leading in my life. I didn't know what to do and I didn't even know what to think. I began wondering if in fact I really understood anything at all about God. The emotional and psychological pain was unrelenting and the physical results from the stress and mental pain was devastating."
"My problem, instead, was about how in the midst of affliction I could find comfort, and how could I find it in myself to live with this God who wasn't stopping the suffering."
"When the affliction first comes we don't want or need a lengthy discourse to appeal to our mind, and that is so because this isn't primarily an intellectual matter. Even if you have something profound to say about the situation and you say it, don't be surprised if we are too hurt and confused to absorb it. We need someone to let us pour out our heart, not someone to give us a lecture, regardless of how brilliant and instructive it might be. And we need something to take away the pain, and a very big part of that pain is not knowing what these events mean about how God feels toward us. or how we should feel toward him."
"Even when you have those words, when the pain is new and so intense, the sufferer cannot process what you would say. By listening you instead gain the right to be heard. Those who won't listen when listening is needed communicate that they don't care about what the sufferer is feeling and thinking or that it is not all that bad. In Job his friends came and comforted him and sat with him for seven days and nights and said nothing.
"Romans 8:28 for someone suffering isn't a real comfort. it is hard to see how that good, whenever it comes and whatever it will be, will make up for the evil that has happened. Things happen in our world that really are evil. Don't minimize that fact by appealing to the sovereign God to bring good even out of the most horrible situation. Somewhere down the road, after the sufferers pain has been somewhat subsided and there has been time to see what God will do in the midst of tragedy, maybe then will it find comfort. As true as this verse is, it won't make the pain go away."
Today is our 10 year anniversary and it is a hard day. I look back at how happy I was....how "perfect" life was then. I so wish I could turn back time to experience that day and that joy and start over and erase this situation. Will I ever be able to be happy again? Normally on an anniversary I can look back and think how wonderful the last 9 years.... now my life is forever changed and it is hard. I had my procedure on april 18th. July 18th when I hit the 3 months mark will be a hard day. It is so weird. Instead of grieving the loss of a person... I am going through grief in losing my vision and the life I had that has been stripped away. I know what it was like to see "normal" and I just so desperately want to see and be normal again.
Lord, please.... I beg of you....if I could even just touch a piece of your garment my eyes could be healed..... Lord, if one of my children was going through the pain and suffering that I am going through and I could help them I would... please lord, help your child.
I cling to the hope that when April 18, 2014 arrives I will be in a much better place!!!
A few weeks ago I picked up a book in the clearance bin at the local christian bookstore. It was called "Where is God?" a personal story of finding God in grief and suffering. Today as I laid in bed and cried in complete desperation and helplessness like I have literally everyday since my vision was destroyed I have had a hard time grasping what to do. Until this procedure I have never cried the tears of complete grief and devastation. It is such a surreal feeling. Many times I feel as though I am dying am not even able to breath through the tears, pain, and suffering. It is not a cry that I would wish upon anyone. I cannot wait until the day I don't have to experience this. I hope it is sometime in this life on this earth and I don't have to wait until I am 80 or 90 when I die.
Where is God? How am I to get through this? How can I move on? How can I take care of my kids? How can I get up out of bed and face each day? How can I do the little tasks each day with this debilitating pain and visual disturbances that I can't ever get a break from? I am only 30....am i really going to have to live the rest of my life disabled? This is so darn horrible!!!!! Why Me??? Why do my kids and my husband have to go down this road with me? They don't deserve this either? In my deep grief today in losing all hope and where to turn I grabbed my bible, this book, and a devotional and went outside to read. Mind you with pain extremely bad as a constant reminder and having a hard time with my eyes focusing to be able to read.
I wanted to share some quotes from what I read. I am not a good writer as anyone here would know. ;) But, this author...John Feinberg wrote exactly how I am feeling and it was good to know I am not alone in my thoughts and grief. maybe it can help someone else... or for those who have not experienced a tragedy to understand on a deeper level to help those going through tragedy and immense grief. His words flowed how I have been feeling....and it is therapeutic to share if nothing else.
-"THose dealing with personal affliction may find that their suffering disrupts their relation to God. They may find it hard to serve or even worship God. They may even be tempted to stop believing in God altogether. The personal experience of evil precipitates a crisis in faith in the believers life."
" I remember thinking that this threat of doom would hang over me and my family every day for the rest of our lives. There was no morally acceptable way to escape this situation. There was only one person who could do anything about this and it appeared at that time that God wasn't going to help. Beyond this, it seemed that he had led us into this situation rather than keeping us from it. As I reflected on the hopelessness of our situation I realized how dismal life can seem. Beyond the homelessness I felt helpless to do anything."
"Along with those feelings comes a sense of abandonment. At such times one feels that there is no answer and no help. Yes, there are friends and family, but what can they do? They aren't miracle workers. They have their own families to care for and their own problems to be concerned with. And with this abandoment people tend to stay away. For example they may be afraid that they will say the wrong thing or make matters worse. However remaining at a distance only confirms the worst fear of the people suffering. There is already the feeling of abandonment, the afflicted feels as though he or she has been given an enormous burden to bear for the rest of his or her life and there will be no help. When family and friends keep their distance, they communicate that this apparently is true. The deeper the fear is not just that one feels abandoned by family and friends, but that God is no longer there. It doesn't matter how much you have sensed God's presence before, at times like this he seems absent. And when you know that God is the only one who can do anything about the problem , it is especially painful to see his departure.
"These emotions are also accompanied by anger. The anger may not be particularly rational, but it is nontheless real. I was angry that this was happening to us. I never expected exemption just because I am a christian, but I never thought something like this would happen. In one fell stroke, we learned that my whole family was under a dark cloud of doom. That kind of catastrophe wasn't suppose to happen. I was angry.
"I remember thinking repeatedly at the time that none of this made sense. God is the supremely raional being and yet it seemed that he was actualizing a contradiction in my life, The contradiction seemed to contradict the Lord's leading in my life. I didn't know what to do and I didn't even know what to think. I began wondering if in fact I really understood anything at all about God. The emotional and psychological pain was unrelenting and the physical results from the stress and mental pain was devastating."
"My problem, instead, was about how in the midst of affliction I could find comfort, and how could I find it in myself to live with this God who wasn't stopping the suffering."
"When the affliction first comes we don't want or need a lengthy discourse to appeal to our mind, and that is so because this isn't primarily an intellectual matter. Even if you have something profound to say about the situation and you say it, don't be surprised if we are too hurt and confused to absorb it. We need someone to let us pour out our heart, not someone to give us a lecture, regardless of how brilliant and instructive it might be. And we need something to take away the pain, and a very big part of that pain is not knowing what these events mean about how God feels toward us. or how we should feel toward him."
"Even when you have those words, when the pain is new and so intense, the sufferer cannot process what you would say. By listening you instead gain the right to be heard. Those who won't listen when listening is needed communicate that they don't care about what the sufferer is feeling and thinking or that it is not all that bad. In Job his friends came and comforted him and sat with him for seven days and nights and said nothing.
"Romans 8:28 for someone suffering isn't a real comfort. it is hard to see how that good, whenever it comes and whatever it will be, will make up for the evil that has happened. Things happen in our world that really are evil. Don't minimize that fact by appealing to the sovereign God to bring good even out of the most horrible situation. Somewhere down the road, after the sufferers pain has been somewhat subsided and there has been time to see what God will do in the midst of tragedy, maybe then will it find comfort. As true as this verse is, it won't make the pain go away."
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